The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
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[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.
I’m ex-static!
#DadJoke
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
called in thicc to work this morning
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?