The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
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FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Harsh but fair
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…