The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
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*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Shark week, but for squirrels.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.