The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
You Might Also Like
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working
Happy Thanksgiving
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button