The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
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Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that