The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
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Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious