The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
You Might Also Like
not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Finally, an explanation.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look