The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
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Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia
Me: what’s that???
Doctor: exactly what it sounds like
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it