Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”

The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”

My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.

You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby

I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

me: do that thing i like

him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

My 2022 Resolutions:

1. Don’t die

2. Race a sloth

3. Develop new trust issues

4. Offend more people by being myself

5. Don’t use hashtags

6. Keep tweeting crap like this

Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you

You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.

This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.

Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?

My toddler stole bacon off my plate.

We all had a good laugh.

Then I made her move out.

holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks

good work, detective

Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.

Me: I’m feeling my age today.

Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.

Me: Your sister is my favorite.

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful

*at lawyer’s office*

Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon

*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!

“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.

The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.

I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.

Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”

[Record Shop]

Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?

Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.

[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME

If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff