The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
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I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”
My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
never deleting this app.
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
