The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
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you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Festive toon…
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.