Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it

Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.

I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.

It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story

My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.

I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.

toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.

Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*

Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.

Ooh I do like a good funnel

My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?

[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*

[War in Heaven]

Lucifer: You must choose a side.

Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?

I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice

Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.

Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.

Me: Yes, but do go on…

I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “

Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.

The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering

Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is

Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES

*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs

“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”

Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”

Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’

Cashier: Big weekend plans?

Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.

I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.