Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie

guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy

guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop

Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.

Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]

Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.

Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck

My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.

The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.

My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that

WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?

[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”

Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?

Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-

Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!

Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.

Me: *opens fridge*

Dog: you gonna finish that

If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.

*driving home*

Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.

I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?

Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.

when someone messages me a minute after i login to work

cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people

me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful

The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.

Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.