The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
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I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it