The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
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Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Passwords are more important than ever.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
That’s no pocket rocket.
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN