Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.

I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”

I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.

Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.

4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.

I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.

I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!

I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.

Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.

Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?

Me: AGAIN with the questions!!

Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.

What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed

Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

Love it! 👍😂

I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.

Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.

Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”

God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!

My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.

The walls, too.

Yup, and ceiling.

I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.

My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?

[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want

Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.

My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician

[day 8 of quarantine]

me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time

monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here

me:

monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again

monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here

Ghost: GET OUT

Me: Or what?

Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder