Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”

A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera

A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.

‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’

‘Woody?’

‘Not quite that excited.’

woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.

Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.

There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?

ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me

My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.

My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.

I gave her money for her ticket.

The boy paid.

I did not get my money back.

I learned an important lesson about dating today.

CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up

ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.

Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!

Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?

Me: No, I’m good.

Husband: Are you sure?

Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…

and if you can a coke…

and a cheeseburger…

Can you also swing by Taco Bell?

Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.

doctor: the good news is you’re dying

me: how is that good news??

doctor: i don’t like you

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.

[My first day as a garbageman]

Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.

Me: Goddammit

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat

Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death

Me: I’ll take it

They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.

Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*

My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*

Anyone: what’s your favorite color?

Me: cheese

I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.