The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
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Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight