The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
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When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?