Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”

on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there

Grocery guy here with a reminder…

You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒

HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK

HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK

HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK

HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK

HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES

HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING

OHHHHHHHH

Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers

DETECTIVE: dear god

OFFICER: most likely yes

Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.

[ IDEA ]

An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

COW: Was I speeding?

COP: No

COW: Is it because I’m a c–

COP: It’s because you’re a cow.

I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.

I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?

I decided against all those options and took the ticket.

The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.

Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.

Choose your fighter

They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.

I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.

“How stressed are you?”

Me:

If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.

Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?

I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away

A bird: you’ve got me there

Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is

A bird: pardon

ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this

My boys are gamers and I’m single

It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries

“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?

Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.