The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
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Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks
God: Hmmm..
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill