Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😂😂

Cop: “License and registration please.”

*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*

Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”

Your Czech is in the mail.

-Mail order brides

Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.

i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day

I have standards. They might be low, but still…..

Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.

I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.

WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*

*On date*

Her: hey, how are you?

Me: yeah really g..

BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.

my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.

CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.

HANSEL: He seems nice.

GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.

At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.

Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

ME: Colman Domingo would make a great Hermes in the Hadestown movie

GUY WHO I’M TRAPPED IN A CAVE WITH: cool but I meant ideas about how we get out of this cave

Million-dollar idea:

Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.

Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*

Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet

Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?

No one suddenly needs anything more than a kid whose mom has just sat down and gotten comfortable.

[at my funeral]

pastor: hey this casket is empty

me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries

THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.

[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]

– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside

Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”

Cop: Pull over

Me: you cold bro?

Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.

when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.

“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it

My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.

Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.

If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.