The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
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Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
yea so i messed up lol
I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm
