Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?

ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?

“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.

CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.

Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath

When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.

WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.

Wife: please stop eating so much salt.

Me: why?

Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.

Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?

Wife: [pours more salt on my food].

Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.

Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love

you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time

I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.

Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*

Pirate Lois Lane: OMG

Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.

“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”

Brain: Magical!

My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…

I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.

My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.

When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”

Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?

Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN

Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since

How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?

Please say 12 years

“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”

my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?

Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now

Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.

“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that

*first day as a getaway driver*

Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?

Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither

Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.