Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN

Why do people say “get well soon”?

Why don’t you want me to get well now?

Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”

Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”

Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”

*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*

doctor: why do you think you need this medication?

me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.

Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar

Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.

9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.

Me: That would be a plane.

9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.

Me: So, a helicopter then.

9: No no small like a drone.

Me: …..

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.

The Real Housewives of Sesame Street

Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.

If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it

in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.

Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa

I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.

I wished that I won’t die a virgin.

When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.

You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.

My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?

Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative