The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
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Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no