The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
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[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
never ask a starfish for directions
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
there has never been a better use of this meme
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?