The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
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umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.