The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
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[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”