The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
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washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀