The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
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Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome
PRODUCER: Keep talking
ME: called Vladiator
HIM: Get out
MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.