The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
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Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING