The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
![]()
You Might Also Like
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
![]()
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
![]()
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
![]()
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.
![]()
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
![]()
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*