The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
You Might Also Like
my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
good morning
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
We need to put an American base on the sun
this FaceApp is creepy af
When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?