The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
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I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond
‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’
and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.
I was in my prime.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
can’t believe I got front row seats
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.