The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.