The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
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Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
SQUARREL
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
stand with me against insufficient seating
If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS