The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
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self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Nigella has gone too far this time.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess