The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
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There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Dishonest mechanic?
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.