The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
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One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
New word: Biscgret.
Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.