Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*lies down on waxing table

Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.

My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!

i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”

A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this

i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times

I like my women how I like my straws ….

Bendy and full of liquor.

One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”

My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick

two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???

[in hell journal day 211]

I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me

Cereal is basically dog food for humans.

*on a first date*

Me: I’m in financ-

Her: oh finance that’s cool

Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt

why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free

Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle

A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.

-tweeted from my hospital bed

*trying to remember something*

brain: put your hands on hips

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”

My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”

this FaceApp is creepy af

A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”

[mall food court]

Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no

Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility

that they were seeing Space Jam.

Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.

Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.

Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.

Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?

Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.

drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?

me: haha no thanks i need you to make it

if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you