The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
You Might Also Like
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
When you’re Kinky but poor
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant