The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
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Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
This is my cat’s medicine.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*