The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
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Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”
It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Me: *trying to sleep*
Gf: Babe?
Me: Hmm?
Her: Why will she be riding six white horses when she comes?
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?