The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
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Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE