Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.

Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.

How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.

[writers’ room for Silent Night]

MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?

JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild

MIKE:…….jesus christ jim

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.

Came out pretty well.

My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.

Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running

My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.

You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”

Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?

Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?

What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?

Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.

isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.

[haunted house]

FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes

Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?

People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole

The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.

[prison]

So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”

I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

God I hate condescending assholes!

(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)

the composer

Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.

“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made horrible tea.

😂 amazing answer