The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
You Might Also Like
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
“The Perfect Relationship”
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila