Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?

Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.

I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.

Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation

HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?

ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything

Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?

HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s

[meeting girlfriend’s dad]

Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips

Him: Dr, I have a PhD

Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips

#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris

I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.

Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them

Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.

He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.

Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut

Me: well I use a bigger bowl now

“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”

What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.

I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

I wish all tests were things you peed on

[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want

if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

Them: The meek shall inherit the earth

the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good

her: i’m having trouble walking after last night

me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun