The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
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13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
*door in my house opens on its own*
me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure
the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you
Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread
make sure its switched to “on”