Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.

What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?

Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack

ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.

AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.

ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.

*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.

this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?

My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.

Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?

🤫

I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.

I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.

Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.

I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat

Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.

me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree

I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”

If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.

Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.

I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking

Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died

BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year

ME: yeah she’s a cat

10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.

Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal

Wife: intercourse?

Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think

me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]

GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.

ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.

[aliens talking]

“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles