“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
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Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
“you recording!?”
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this
Not telling the NYPD how to do their job but if they really wanted to catch the guy they should have offered free healthcare as a reward
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
jesus, what did this guy do
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.