Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks

[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later

[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies

If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…a raise?

HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?

Me: I’d like to report a hacking!

NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.

[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]

“May I have this dance?”

[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]

Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!

Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.

Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.

Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.

me: hello 911

operator: actually you’ve reached 116

me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff

I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms

Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.

So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube

Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.

I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.

The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”

Dear parents,

Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.

Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.

I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.

Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.

In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.

Me: we need to pick 9 up from school

4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today

Jeff: I’m from New Jersey

Geoff: I’m from New Georsey

ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.

Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?

Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*

I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.