“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
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If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
what’s really going on
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
water it, i dare you
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
