Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice

Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Me: *puts naked Barbie away.

‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!

Her:Freak!

Me:Did you feel–anything?

Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?

7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten

Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.

Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?

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“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”

I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.

my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks

DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature

ME: [leaves]

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?

Alcohol?

I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.

Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.

I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

check in attendant: are you flying alone?

me: I’ll probably need a pilot

It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.

Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..

I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.

Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.

Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.

CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken

ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”

8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”

[interview]

Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?

Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.