Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

Me: *walks into room*

My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.

Me: *walks back out of room*

Me: How old am I?

Brain: Give me a minute.

Me: What’s my email password?

Brain: I don’t remember.

Me: Why’d I walk in this room?

Brain: I have no idea.

Me:

Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.

Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.

Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine

Me today: 2pm time for bed

When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.

“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*

Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase

Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk

The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]

Me: I got the birthday cake for our son

Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh

Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he

Wife: His name is Jake

[Creating Humans]

God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.

Angels: Why?

God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.

Angels: Lololol.

God: I hope they call it a funny bone.

Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up

I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!

Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3

Our middle child says we neglect him/her.

every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again

Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?

Me: *long awkward pause* A while…

Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.

Width of elevator: 5 feet.

Me: Hello?

Satan: I’d like to make a return

Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL

Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.

me: why’d you pull me over?

cop: I think you know why

me: it’s my eyes isn’t it

cop: …

me: *sigh* they’re hazel

cop: so mysterious

The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.

I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice

Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid

Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity

Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.