the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Möther may I have a snäck
A new level of troll.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
