the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
