Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”

[restaurant]

DATE: [clears throat]

ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.

“I love this song!”

“This is my favorite song!”

“I love this song!”

“No, THIS is my favorite song!”

~ Me, listening to my own playlist

Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?

People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.

in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on

Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids

Witch 2: oh no, why?

Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol

I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.

I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.

Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.

*Summer camps have entered the chat.*

My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”

A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away

Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.

Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.

I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.

Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip

They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.

Wolves should really raise more people.

I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.

I was just discussing this with my cat

I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.

Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.

~ my cats

My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.

Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?

Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.

Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.

Me: Exactly.

We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter

83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.

Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point

Just looked up my son’s search history.

Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.

The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.

He got away Scott free.