Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: gimme a beer with a thick head

BARTENDER: you got it

BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?

* 9 comes in from playing outside*

Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.

9: Ha, not messier than my room.

Me: What?

9: What?

*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*

Is this a date? It feels like a date.

This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies

If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks

Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.

Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*

Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.

I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.

You’re telling me this life crisis is mid

“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it

NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.

GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.

Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.

Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.

If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.

I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead

*calls 911*

Hey, I found some big guns.

*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*

Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng

date: I come from old money

me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you

Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.

Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?

ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her

Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?