The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
You Might Also Like
The Murphy bed mishap was as hilarious as it was fatal.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
181.
Possums basically just grow until they die so if u see a really big possum that is an elder and u should be respectful or u will not see the kingdom of heaven
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
This is so me 😂😂
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
The 6 types of sex
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
The happy life.. 😊
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.