[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
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WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
A friend sent me this.
Me: So you collect pictures of guys with their height and weight? Sounds a lot like Grindr
Friend: THEY’RE BASEBALL CARDS, JERK
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.