Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
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ppl: are u sick?
me: no, im just ugly
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
I didn’t kill any moths with my mothballs…
My aim is just terrible!
Guy: I’ll pay for my coffee and the guy behind me
Me: hi thanks can I get a large coffee with 85 espresso shots
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
*a jerk swings a hammer at me but I dodge and hold up a birdhouse that was one nail shy of being completed*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*