The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.

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Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.


JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one


If I ignored your call, please send me a text that says “I called you.”….



[puts in hearing aid]
aids aids aids aids aids
[takes out hearing aid]


my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]

me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT


Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot


*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*


[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.


“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.



Me: tell me about yourself

Her: I’m really vegan

Me: oh no

Her: and I have a kid

Me: oh no

Her: his name is Kale

Me: ohhh noo