@PopeAwesomeXIII

The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.

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@nevernicethings

Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.

@BradBroaddus

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

@Smooheed

“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”

*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*

@mikefossey

Guy: I’ll pay for my coffee and the guy behind me
Me: hi thanks can I get a large coffee with 85 espresso shots

@SteveSuckington

Boss: “you’re fired”

Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”

@AlexvanBeek

When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.

@drankturpentine

*a jerk swings a hammer at me but I dodge and hold up a birdhouse that was one nail shy of being completed*

@BrdnHatesYou

*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*