@PopeAwesomeXIII

The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.

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@onelongbender

Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.

@BuckyIsotope

JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one

@TheRealRobG

If I ignored your call, please send me a text that says “I called you.”….

(sarcasm)

@RatCasket

[puts in hearing aid]
aids aids aids aids aids
[takes out hearing aid]

@prufrockluvsong

my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]

me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT

@Andee_Stewart

Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot

@Marlebean

*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*

@batkaren

[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.

@youcancallmesim

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

@MarlonBrandNO

[Date]

Me: tell me about yourself

Her: I’m really vegan

Me: oh no

Her: and I have a kid

Me: oh no

Her: his name is Kale

Me: ohhh noo