Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
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JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
If I ignored your call, please send me a text that says “I called you.”….
[puts in hearing aid]
aids aids aids aids aids
[takes out hearing aid]
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
ME: Zucchini bread.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo