The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.

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WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind

ME: Duh

[later at party]

ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?


The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.


If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.


[Gender reveal party]

Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?

Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.


Me: So you collect pictures of guys with their height and weight? Sounds a lot like Grindr



It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.