The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
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I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet