The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
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Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”