The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
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At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Every time my phone rings
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out