The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
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scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
Need this in my life lol
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
I disagree with my politics
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.