the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
mechanics be like
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
the three branches of government
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
