the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Ugh but profoundly
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
