the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
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Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
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Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*