the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
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if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
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You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.