The answer is funnier than the question
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It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.
Much easier and safer
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.