Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?

Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.

Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.

If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.

I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?

No weirdos.

Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.

Her: I can hear you.

Me: she could hear me

Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…

John Mayer first drafts.

Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.

Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.

Sub-Zero: You first.

Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.

Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.

If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.

A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.

Step One: Have kids.

Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…

“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.

*heist at the louvre*

Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked

Dear scientists,

We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer

to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house

Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.

“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!

if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout

I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.

Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.

It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans

My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.

It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”

20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf

13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline

[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed

[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER

Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly

So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.