The answer is funnier than the question

Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!

I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill

can’t believe I got front row seats

[Honest banana advertisement]

Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many

Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

Someone die? Time to get high!

Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!

(BYO shovel)

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.

GF texted me that her ex wants to get her back. So I texted, “I care for you. Don’t do this”.

I’m still working on what to reply to my GF.

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