Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
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I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Hell yeah 👍
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
I WON A HAM TODAY
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Is your wife single?
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT