the answer to ‘who hurt you’ is usually ‘my front facing camera’
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[plot twist] ur buried vertically
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Children of the corn 🌽
I have never related to a cat more
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa