the answer to ‘who hurt you’ is usually ‘my front facing camera’
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My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?