the answer was staring at me all along
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My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles