the answer was staring at me all along
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Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder