the answer was staring at me all along

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ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head


I drink a glass of red wine a day for health benefits.
The other 7 glasses are just for me.


You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.


My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.


[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]

That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.


Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk


Every so often my mother has a great idea, usually it involves leaving my house.


[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human


When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…

[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,