THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Good morning!
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
